So I now present to you some of my adventures in trying to play Rock, Paper, Scissors over the Internet with complete strangers…

Updated 3/24!

Some people are sore losers:

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: rock paper scissors?
Stranger: hi
Stranger: k
You: 3…
You: 2…
You: 1…
Stranger: rockj
You: paper
Stranger: bitch
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

This one is slightly offensive:

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hello
You: rock paper scissors?
Stranger: Sure
You: 3…
You: 2…
You: 1…
You: rock
Stranger: I CHOOSE ROCK BECAUSE ROCK FUCKING OWNS
Stranger: EVERYTHING
You: damn
You: tied
Stranger: Paper can’t beat rock
Stranger: It’s impossible
Stranger: Paper is a faggot
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

People can be aggressive when protected by the anonymous nature of the Internet:

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: rock paper scissors?
Stranger: rock
You: I didn’t say GO!
Stranger: say go
You: but ok, paper
You: you lose.
Stranger: rock
Stranger: no, rock beats paper
You: No it doesn’t.
Stranger: try holding a peace of paper in ur face and i’ll throw a rock
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Sometimes there can be a language barrier:

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: rock paper scissors?
Stranger: nope
Stranger: hi there
Stranger: what u r up to/?
You: I’m trying to play rock paper scissors but you’re being unhelpful
Stranger: guitar?
You: that’s not a legal move
You: it’s a simple game, really
You: you pick rock, paper or scissors
You: rock beats scissors
You: scissors cut paper
You: and paper covers rock
Stranger: oops
Stranger: OKKKKK!
Stranger: we just call it differently
Stranger: i mean in my lang
Stranger: so, lets do it
You: 3…
You: 2…
You: 1…
Stranger: rock
You: paper
You: you lose
Stranger: heeey
You have disconnected.

Some people are just no fun:

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: rock paper scissors?
Stranger: huh?
You: it’s a game
You: paper covers rock
Stranger: yeah i know
You: scissors cut paper
Stranger: yes yes
Stranger: ~~~
You: rock breaks scissors
Stranger: i know.now go to some nursery and teach thoose stuffs
Stranger: bye
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Cheater.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Rock, Paper, Scissors?
Stranger: Im not a horny chick
Stranger: sure
Stranger: Rock
You: Rock.
You: damn
Stranger: :S
You: again.
Stranger: paper
You: Rock.
You: DAMN
Stranger: hahaha i win
You: once more.
Stranger: K
Stranger: cow
You: Rock.
You: WTF?
You: Cow isn’t a legal throw.
Stranger: :S
You: Disqualified.
Stranger: ok again
Stranger: paper
You: I don’t play with filthy cheaters.
You have disconnected.

Stay tuned for more!

Apparently, I’m not the only one. Now specifically, I’m only afraid of the Brown-throated three-toed variety, what with their creepy eyes and evil grinning faces and giant claws that would eviscerate you before you can say: “But they’re supposed to be herbivores!” Sure, they act like slow-moving docile creatures, but you can tell they’re just waiting to make their move.

So last week, you could imagine my terror, when I visited Something Awful and checked out their recent Photoshop Phriday topic of Monsters Attack! and saw this:

If anyone needs me, I’ll be hiding under my desk in a fetal position, shivering with fright.